dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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