He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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