K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
