Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
