Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
