They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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