All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
