Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Randomize