are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
