before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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