remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
