i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
