I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
