i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
