my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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