Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize