I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
