her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
