I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
