I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
