i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
