see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
