Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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