We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
