I think my fart just growled at me.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
