she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
