We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
