i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
