DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Farmville is her only friend.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Randomize
