my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i dont even know how to be here
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
40s are totally the cure
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
