My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
