i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
