Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
