meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize