Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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