Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
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