I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
