If i come over, it means nothing
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
