I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
