obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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