The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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