I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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