dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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