I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
