That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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