Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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