Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
