Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I stole a fireplace last night.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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