Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I smell like Dick and happiness
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
