Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize