meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
