Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
