I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
