i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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