i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
