we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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