so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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