We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
