She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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